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Articles

Rising Demand

I stormed into my boss’ office and demanded a raise.
“Why should I give you a raise?” he asked.
“Because I have 3 companies chasing after me!” 
After some haggling, he eventually agreed to give me a 10% raise.  I turned to go.
“Out of interest, Bob, what companies were after you?” 
“Water, electric, and gas.” 

Articles

Bad News Good News

“Mr Jones, please get dressed, and I’ll see you in a minute.”
The old man put on his clothes and shuffled into the doctor’s reception room and sat down heavily. The doctor gave him a tight-lipped smile.  “I have good news and bad news.  Which would you like to hear first?”
“Well,” replied the old man hesitantly, “I suppose give me the bad news first.”
“You have cancer,” continued the doctor, “and I estimate that you have about one year left.”
The old man looked aghast.  “Oh no! That’s awful! But, what kind of good news could you give me, after that??”
The doctor replied, “You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I said.” 

Articles

Birthday Gift

I dialled my mother’s phone number, full of anticipation. I was dying to know what she thought of her birthday gift.  I’d found it in a dingy old Chinese shop: a large, though rather odd-looking bird that had the astounding ability to sing the Puccini aria Vissi d’arte, my mother’s favourite.  It had cost me £430, including delivery, but was bit worth every penny.
“Hello?” answered my mum eventually.
“Hi Mum,” I said, scarcely able to contain my excitement.  “I was just calling to see if you got your birthday present…”
“Oh, yes dear, I did, thank you so much,” she replied, “It was delicious!”

Articles

The Man of My Dreams

“Honey, I had this dream last night that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day.  What do you think it means?”
Her husband squeezed her arm.  “You’ll know tonight.”
That evening, he returned with a beautifully wrapped small package and gave it to his wife. Enthralled, she opened it carefully.
It was a book entitled: “The Meaning of Dreams”.

Articles

Afternoon Quickie

“I’m so hot for you, darling,” said Tony to his wife, grabbing her around the waist as she passed.
Mary disentangled herself from his groping hands.  “In the middle of the day?  I thought you were supposed to be ill?”
“I feel much better.”
“Hmm,” muttered Mary, smiling.  “And what are we supposed to do with our son?”
“Leave that to me,” said Tony.  He got up and went to the kitchen of their little apartment, where their 10 year old son was playing on his Nintendo.  “James,” he said.  The boy looked up.  “I need you to go on a secret mission. Can you stand on the balcony for 5 minutes and shout out everything you see?”
James squealed with excitement and scampered off to the balcony.  His parents ran to their bedroom.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” shouted James. “An ambulance has just driven by.”
Mary giggled as her husband struggled to undo her bra.
“Shhh!” he hissed.
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” continued James. “Matt’s riding a new bike.”
Tony finally managed to remove the reluctant bra and swung it around his head triumphantly.
“The Coopers are having sex,” shouted James.
Tony dropped the bra and looked at his wife with alarm. “How do you know that, son?” he asked.
“Their kid is standing on the balcony too.”

Articles

Getting To Heaven

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy?  Would that get me into heaven?”
“NO!” answered my Sunday School class in unison.
“And if I gave sweets to all the children in the neighborhood, and loved my husband? Would that get me into heaven?”
“NO!”
“What about if  I sold my house and my car, and gave all the money to the poor? Would that get me into heaven?”
Again, they all answered “NO!”
My heart was now near bursting with pride. “Then HOW can I get into heaven?”
The children were silent, until finally a little boy at the back shouted out, “You’ve got to be dead!”

Articles

Twins

A heavily pregnant young Irish Catholic woman was rushed to hospital by her brother where she delivered twins.  However, because she remained critically ill for many weeks the nurses asked her brother if he would name the children.
When the woman finally recovered, her brother brought the babies in with a big smile on his face. “Here y’are, girl, a fine pair of beauties, to be sure!”
She frowned. “But I was not able to give them a name.”
“Don’t fret yourself so, girl, tis orl taken care of. I named them meself. De girl I called Denise,”
“Aahhh,” she replied, “tis a fine name, to be sure, but what about de boy?”
He answered, “I called him Denephew.”

Articles

Elephants Never Forget

“I’ll have a double whiskey, Jimmy. Actually, just leave the bottle,”

“Missus troubles again, Seamus?” asked the bartender.

Seamus nodded. “Women. You can’t win. You tell them they’re beautiful a hundred times and they won’t believe you, but you tell them once they’re fat and they will remember it for the rest of their lives, because elephants never forget.”

Articles

Micromax Canvas Lapbook L1161 With Windows 10 Launched at Rs. 13,999

Foraying into the laptop segment, country’s handset maker Micromax on Thursday said it aims to garner 10 percent market share in the next 12-18 months.

Micromax, which will compete with the likes of HP, Dell, and Lenovo, has priced its Lapbook L1161 at Rs. 13,999 that will be available from Friday via Snapdeal.

“Micromax has always strived to bring the best technology innovations to close the gap between consumer needs and available devices,” Micromax Chief Marketing Officer Shubhajit Sen told PTI.

The Canvas Lapbook L1161 addresses the need of affordable computing, in line with the PM’s Digital India initiative, he added.

“With our entry into the laptop category, we aim to drive the growth of the category and garner a market share of 10 percent in 12-18 months,” he said.

According to industry body MAIT, the notebook market declined 15 percent to 5.81 million units in 2014-15 from 6.83 million units in 2013-14, impacted by burgeoning smartphone sales.

However, the industry body has forecast a 17 percent growth in notebook sales to 6.80 million in 2015-16. Previously, Micromax has launched a Laptab (Review) that features a tablet with a detachable keyboard.

Of the total PC market (desktops and notebooks), HP was the market leader with 25.6 percent share, followed by Dell – 22.1 percent, Lenovo – 15.8 percent and Acer – 11.5 percent in 2014, according to data from research firm IDC.

Powered by a quad-core Intel Atom processor (up to 1.83GHz), the Lapbook L1161 will come pre-loaded with the latest Windows 10 operating system.

“The Lapbook is designed to cater the needs of young India in Tier II and III markets,” he said. The Lapbook L1161 comes with dual speakers, 11.6-inch HD IPS display, 32GB inbuilt storage (expandable up to 64GB), 5000mAh battery rated to deliver up to 11 hours of battery life, and, a seven-day on-site service. It weighs 1.3 kilograms.

Micromax also launched the second generation of Laptab, called Laptab LT777, priced at Rs. 17,999, that will go on sale on Amazon India portal from Tuesday. It features a 11.6-inch touch display, Windows 10, and offers 8-10 hours of backup.

Articles

Australian Sheep Breaks World Record With Mammoth Fleece

An Australian sheep that underwent a life-saving shave after being found with a massive fleece has entered the Guinness World Records for having the most wool sheared in a single sitting.

The merino sheep, which was nicknamed Chris after it was found wandering alone just outside Australia’s capital Canberra in early September, had 41.1 kilograms (90.6 pounds) of wool taken off in one piece by a champion shearer.

Guinness World Records said on its website that it had verified the record, which displaced the previous woolly champion Big Ben, an animal shorn of 28.9 kilograms in New Zealand in 2014.

“We certainly didn’t have the world record as priority when we sheared Chris, but we appreciate the recognition,” Tammy Ven Dange, the head of the RSPCA in the Australian Capital Territory, said in a statement Wednesday.

“We can only hope that record is never broken again because it would be unlikely that the animal would live to tell the story.”

Chris’ plight made global headlines following Ven Dange’s tweet appealing for help from a shearer after the overgrown animal was spotted by bushwalkers.

Ven Dange said that merino sheep were bred for their wool and they could face health issues, or even die, if not sheared regularly.

The fleece has been donated to the National Museum in Canberra, while Chris was re-homed in a hobby farm in neighboring New South Wales state.