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Rising Demand

I stormed into my boss’ office and demanded a raise.
“Why should I give you a raise?” he asked.
“Because I have 3 companies chasing after me!” 
After some haggling, he eventually agreed to give me a 10% raise.  I turned to go.
“Out of interest, Bob, what companies were after you?” 
“Water, electric, and gas.” 


Bad News Good News

“Mr Jones, please get dressed, and I’ll see you in a minute.”
The old man put on his clothes and shuffled into the doctor’s reception room and sat down heavily. The doctor gave him a tight-lipped smile.  “I have good news and bad news.  Which would you like to hear first?”
“Well,” replied the old man hesitantly, “I suppose give me the bad news first.”
“You have cancer,” continued the doctor, “and I estimate that you have about one year left.”
The old man looked aghast.  “Oh no! That’s awful! But, what kind of good news could you give me, after that??”
The doctor replied, “You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I said.” 


Birthday Gift

I dialled my mother’s phone number, full of anticipation. I was dying to know what she thought of her birthday gift.  I’d found it in a dingy old Chinese shop: a large, though rather odd-looking bird that had the astounding ability to sing the Puccini aria Vissi d’arte, my mother’s favourite.  It had cost me £430, including delivery, but was bit worth every penny.
“Hello?” answered my mum eventually.
“Hi Mum,” I said, scarcely able to contain my excitement.  “I was just calling to see if you got your birthday present…”
“Oh, yes dear, I did, thank you so much,” she replied, “It was delicious!”


The Man of My Dreams

“Honey, I had this dream last night that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day.  What do you think it means?”
Her husband squeezed her arm.  “You’ll know tonight.”
That evening, he returned with a beautifully wrapped small package and gave it to his wife. Enthralled, she opened it carefully.
It was a book entitled: “The Meaning of Dreams”.


Afternoon Quickie

“I’m so hot for you, darling,” said Tony to his wife, grabbing her around the waist as she passed.
Mary disentangled herself from his groping hands.  “In the middle of the day?  I thought you were supposed to be ill?”
“I feel much better.”
“Hmm,” muttered Mary, smiling.  “And what are we supposed to do with our son?”
“Leave that to me,” said Tony.  He got up and went to the kitchen of their little apartment, where their 10 year old son was playing on his Nintendo.  “James,” he said.  The boy looked up.  “I need you to go on a secret mission. Can you stand on the balcony for 5 minutes and shout out everything you see?”
James squealed with excitement and scampered off to the balcony.  His parents ran to their bedroom.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” shouted James. “An ambulance has just driven by.”
Mary giggled as her husband struggled to undo her bra.
“Shhh!” he hissed.
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” continued James. “Matt’s riding a new bike.”
Tony finally managed to remove the reluctant bra and swung it around his head triumphantly.
“The Coopers are having sex,” shouted James.
Tony dropped the bra and looked at his wife with alarm. “How do you know that, son?” he asked.
“Their kid is standing on the balcony too.”


Getting To Heaven

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy?  Would that get me into heaven?”
“NO!” answered my Sunday School class in unison.
“And if I gave sweets to all the children in the neighborhood, and loved my husband? Would that get me into heaven?”
“What about if  I sold my house and my car, and gave all the money to the poor? Would that get me into heaven?”
Again, they all answered “NO!”
My heart was now near bursting with pride. “Then HOW can I get into heaven?”
The children were silent, until finally a little boy at the back shouted out, “You’ve got to be dead!”



A heavily pregnant young Irish Catholic woman was rushed to hospital by her brother where she delivered twins.  However, because she remained critically ill for many weeks the nurses asked her brother if he would name the children.
When the woman finally recovered, her brother brought the babies in with a big smile on his face. “Here y’are, girl, a fine pair of beauties, to be sure!”
She frowned. “But I was not able to give them a name.”
“Don’t fret yourself so, girl, tis orl taken care of. I named them meself. De girl I called Denise,”
“Aahhh,” she replied, “tis a fine name, to be sure, but what about de boy?”
He answered, “I called him Denephew.”


Elephants Never Forget

“I’ll have a double whiskey, Jimmy. Actually, just leave the bottle,”

“Missus troubles again, Seamus?” asked the bartender.

Seamus nodded. “Women. You can’t win. You tell them they’re beautiful a hundred times and they won’t believe you, but you tell them once they’re fat and they will remember it for the rest of their lives, because elephants never forget.”


Little Johnny Joke – Teacher

Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Little Johnny replies, “A teacher.”


Little Johnny Joke – Shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest! ?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forget.
The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says,”Why Johnny, those are balloons.
When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys’ dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying ?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys’ balloons and she’s screaming “Oh God, I’m coming!”